Summer is Hot: A Nation in Panic

Our enemy, the Sun

As our longtime nemesis The Sun collided with Earth today, mankind came together across the entire Internet in a rare show of unity to declare that it is, indeed, super hot outside.  This event came as a particular shock to citizens of the United States, which typically enjoys breezy days of 60-70 degrees Fahrenheit all year round.

Hot enough for ya?

Greetings from downtown Cleveland

To heighten the odds of survival in these less than ideal climates, I’ve taken the liberty of providing you the reader with a few simple tips.

1. It’s getting hot in here.

-So take off all your clothes.

2. Always make sure Facebook knows how hot it is.

– I can’t stress this one enough.  If the internet isn’t aware of your suffering, it might as well not be happening.

3. Consume moisture from the fallen.

– On a day like today, a corpse has mere minutes before it starts to bake in the heat, becoming useless.  Turn tragedy into opportunity by siphoning off vital fluids for future use.

4. Drink Powerade.

-Seriously, everyone knows that mere water does more harm than good.  Hoard your electrolytes and emerge victorious by consuming only delicious Powerade.

5. Sell off your wax museum stocks.

-That place is going down.

Well, I hope I’ve been of some assistance here.  I appreciate you coming to check out our blog even as the seas boil up around us, and columns of steam rise into the air like the very souls of the damned, intent on scalding all life from the surface of our planet. If we do manage to make it through, I just hope for all our sakes that winter is not super cold.


About Ryan Searles

I like watching movies, and then talking about those movies. Sometimes I write things about them, which you should read. Other interests include boxed wine, video games, the works of Harlan Ellison and HG Wells, and being a general curmudgeon.

Posted on July 22, 2011, in SCIENCE!, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Thank you for your advice. Mr. Sun is not my friend.

  2. M here :]

    I recently saw that grappling chain fence burning victim on a teenage jesus & the jerks video…good to see that familiar dying tortured face in cleveland!

    My only stories about the heat are that I went biking on a heat-compacted air day which was sort of a good idea but sort of not even with all the water I brought with me, and some cows died in a town not far from here because they were stuck in a barn.

    Amurika needs to reclaim the 70 degree year round temps back from the terrorists and sun.

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