Secret Diaries of Dr. Victor Drankenstein, Chapter 1
Greetings, and welcome to the first installment of the Secret Diaries of Dr. Victor Drankenstein, where I’ll be simultaneously drinking and reviewing Four Loko’s limited edition XXX Blueberry Lemonade.
Since relocating to The Wrong Side of the Tracks, Cleveland, all manner of crazy superpowered adult beverages have popped up on my radar. Probably the most infamous of all these is the dreaded Four Loko. Debuting in 2005, this line of alcoholic energy drinks rose to nationwide urban legend status by 2010 when a string of college-related incidents forced the manufacturers to remove the caffeine and taurine from their recipe.
The decision to remove the aforementioned energy drink elements forged a black market for the stuff overnight, with original caffeinated cans quickly reaching several times the $2 retail price online. Make no mistake though, even without the caffeine Four Loko is no joke. Its 12% alcohol content and delicious array of candy-like flavors make it the Cadillac of hobo drinks.
Now that you folks in respectable neighborhoods have a little background info, let’s turn our attention to the flavor in question, Blueberry Lemonade. The second in Four Loko’s line of limited “seasonal” drinks (Green Apple ran from Jan to May of this year), this entry is admittedly another in the somewhat overcrowded “crazy alcoholic lemonade” market. But let me tell you, it’s awesome. It’s refreshing without any of the “drank” undertones you sometimes find in similar beverages. Basically just tastes like carbonated blueberry lemonade, except that it’s super effective. Similar to a Mike’s Hard Lemonade but you’re gonna be drinking one of these versus six of those, and that’s the difference between $2 and $8 right there. Are you super rich? Thought not.
As your attorney I advise you (if you’re of legal age and don’t have anywhere to be) to run out and get this stuff as soon as possible. Four Loko is apparently changing its “XXX” flavor every four months, leaving you only August to get in on the deliciousness. And who knows if the XXX flavor is on a rotating basis or one-and-done? All I’m saying is that I wouldn’t want to take the risk myself. Although if they’re smart, Four Loko will turn this into a permanent flavor before it’s stolen by one of their many, many competitors.
Thanks for reading, and be sure to check back next week when I will once again wander to the closest corner store and review whatever I can drink on about two bucks.