Secret Diaries of Dr. Victor Drankenstein Ch. 2: Do you like Piña Coladas?

Only hardcore legends need apply.

Today is Friday, and even according to my hobo calendar where all days are the same, that means another installation of the Secret Diaries of Dr. Victor Drankenstein!  Last time I brought you the joys of Blueberry Lemonade Four Loko, this time we’ll be experimenting with the horror that is Piña Colada Tilt.   I’m not gonna lie here.  I’ve had this before, and it’s not great.  But I’m drinking it again as a public service for you, the reader.

First off, a little background information.  Tilt, like nearly every other drink in this country, is manufactured by Anheuser-Busch.  And like many of their other beverages in recent years, it is an attempt to cash in on a trend started elsewhere.  Like many others, Tilt is a 12% abv malt beverage that used to contain caffeine until the US government abolished fun in late 2010.

In my opinion Tilt is pretty inferior when compared to similar beverages, but unfortunately our antiquated system of alcohol distribution means it’s most likely what you’re going to find.  Unless, like me,  you live on the mean streets of west Cleveland–a budget drunk’s paradise.

So if you find yourself in some sissy suburban gas station with a fierce need to get crunk, Tilt might be your only option, God help you.  You’ve got lots of choices at least…red, blue, green…but then out of the corner of your eye you might notice the admittedly fetching can that is Piña Colada.  And you might be like “Hey I like Piña Coladas!”. Of course you do!  Who doesn’t? But stop and think about it for a while.  I’m sure you like cheeseburgers too, but you wouldn’t pounce on a $2 can of cheeseburger flavored malt liquor.

These things are super sweet, and there’s a reason that Piña Colada is not a prevalent candy flavor.  Drinking one of these leaves you with the sensation that you have been violated by coconuts, after which the tropical overload quickly fades and leaves you with kind of a vague foot taste in your mouth.  Right now I’m drinking maybe the last inch or so in my review can and it tastes like pure regret.  Like aluminum flavored coconuts sculpted out of a harsh chemical sugar substitute.

I’m gonna go grab a Genesee to wash this horrible business out of my mouth, but I hope you’ve learned a valuable lesson at my expense.  Sure, you might be faced with a situation where Tilt is your only option.  If that happens to be the case, get grape.  Or blue.  Pretty much anything but Piña Colada.

Tune in next week, where hopefully $2 and a trip to the local “malt liquor, hair weaves, and bootleg Rocawear” store will end on a slightly more delicious note.  Until then, this is Dr. Drankenstein, signing out.


About Ryan Searles

I like watching movies, and then talking about those movies. Sometimes I write things about them, which you should read. Other interests include boxed wine, video games, the works of Harlan Ellison and HG Wells, and being a general curmudgeon.

Posted on August 13, 2011, in SCIENCE!, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 9 Comments.

  1. If you can find them at a Kroger nearby there is a beer called Old Republic for 99 cents a tall-boy. Great value, real beer, and drinkable.

  2. Put that stuff in the Pina Colada song and somebody might get hurt

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