Secret Diaries of Dr. Victor Drankenstein Ch. 7: B-A-N-A-N-A-S!
I’m keeping up the chapter headers for clarity’s sake, but officially you are looking at volume 1 of Dr. Drankenstein’s Bumwine Chronicles. I mentioned at the end of last week’s article that we’d be looking into some bumwines, and your buddy Drankenstein is a man of his word. Never one to under-perform, I will be consuming and reviewing four of them for your reading pleasure, over the course of the next four weeks. This first one has me oddly intimidated, so as you can see I’ve brought along my good friend Clubber Lang to help me maintain the proverbial Eye of the Tiger.
First, a primer for the uninitiated. “Bumwine” is a term generally used to describe fortified wine, which is a mixture of low-quality wine and liquor-usually brandy or a neutral spirit. According to Wikipedia, their target audience is “people with limited financial income, people residing in low income areas, and the homeless”. Joke’s on you, Wikipedia. I’m not homeless yet!
I had planned to begin my Bumwine Chronicles on something simple. Start you guys out on a nice Wild Irish Rose or Thunderbird. Both good bumwines for the uninitiated. But my wandering eyes got the better of me, and I ended up with PrimeTime: available in three flavors and sold in giant plastic mouthwash bottles. I chose Banana Berry, apparently in a delirious state wherein banana flavored wine sounded like a solid plan. And friends, I am paying for my folly.
In all fairness to the potential deliciousness of actual banana flavored wine, this stuff tastes nothing at all like bananas. It certainly IS bananas though, in the Gwen Stefani, Hollaback Girl sense. It doesn’t taste anything like what you’d think. I can’t even figure out any sort of real-world taste analogue… I guess it’s sort of like Fruit Stripe gum that’s been lightly pre-chewed by someone drinking a martini? Who would make this? I tried investigating their website (primetimewines.com) for evidence of some nefarious scheme, but I wasn’t too surprised to discover that it’s not working.
This stuff is even worse than Pina Colada Tilt, by a long shot. I finished off the bottle just now, but only to honor Dr. Drankenstein’s “I drank the whole thing” guarantee. I can safely say I would never again drink PrimeTime Banana Berry wine, even if it were offered to me for free. And seven chapters in, you may be developing a sense of what a serious statement that is. I guess this can be written up as a cautionary tale to never consume a beverage packaged in a re-purposed Listerine bottle.
This is the first time in the history of Drankenstein that I am packing it in early out of general disgust, and I apologize for that. I just don’t have much more to say about how horrible this is. All I can hope is that this column has performed a public service in preventing you from ever purchasing PrimeTime wine. Be sure to come back next week for my review of an assuredly less terrible bumwine.