Secret Diaries of Dr. Victor Drankenstein Ch 12: The “small” can is still sixteen ounces
I know, I know…only twelve weeks in and I’m already looping back to brands I’ve previously covered. I still have plenty of new stuff in mind, I assure you. I saw these for the first time a couple weeks ago though, and they’ve been distracting me! Poco Loko: two thirds the size and alcohol content of a standard issue Four Loko, at 16oz and 8% respectively. Normally I wouldn’t even care about something smaller and weaker than the flagship product, but this was a four pack for $4, so it’s still getting more for cheaper. Plus it’s mango!
Poco Loko is the third incarnation of the post-caffeine Four Loko brand, following the standard 24oz/12% cans and the relatively recent 12oz/8% bottles. I saw four flavors at the store where I picked these up: Black Cherry, Green Apple, Mango, and Lemonade. All of these with the exception of Lemonade are new flavors so far exclusive to the Poco Loko format. Green Apple was also previously available as a limited edition “XXX” flavor-the predecessor to Blueberry Lemonade, which I covered in my first installment.
I’d already tried half these varieties, and black cherry is a flavor best left to the cough syrup industry. The only time you will ever see me cover a black cherry drink is if I tell you the story of how I invented Sizzurp, aka Purple Drank, in 1999. Putting me one step ahead of Lil Wayne, Big Moe, and even Academy Award Winning Three 6 Mafia. That’s right.
So at any rate, I of course chose mango as my inaugural Poco Loko flavor. You may remember mango as the “pomegranate” of fifteen years ago, when science first learned how to properly mimic the more obscure tropical fruits. It was particularly big with the Snapple crowd. Then it fell to the wayside, and was gradually forgotten as science unlocked the secrets of ever more exotic flavors. Pomegranate and its partner in crime Acai have pushed mango out of the spotlight for too long! Now it’s back, and it’s ready to party hard.
Four Loko flavors tend to be pretty spot-on compared to the competition, and this is no exception. Easily one of the most delicious things I’ve written about in the past three months, I was completely through one can before it clicked in my brain that I was drinking alcohol and not some fancy new Mountain Dew variant targeted at gamers in the South Pacific. This may be why they’ve chosen to relegate mango to a more lightweight format, this stuff would clearly be decreed too dangerous to rock the 12%.
Go find this stuff if you can. I really can’t recommend it strongly enough. While checking out the gigantic mess that is Drink Four dot com, I noticed that apparently Wal-Mart is carrying Four Loko now. This is without a doubt the worst idea I’ve ever heard-I wonder if they’d scan your case of Loko at the sporting goods counter with your shotgun, or if you’d have to ring up separately? But it’s good news for all you Drankenstein devotees out there in the small towns and suburbs, far away from the smelly crimebucket that I call home. Just keep your excitable backwoods newspapers out of it, I don’t need to see this stuff get banned again.