Secret Diaries of Dr. Victor Drankenstein Ch. 13: Everybody got they cup but they ain’t chipped in

This may be as high-end as I ever go under the guise of Drankenstein, so enjoy it while it lasts.  I can already feel this column jumping the shark with each delicious, name-brand sip.  My painstakingly earned street cred slipping away faster than that of early Gin & Juice spokesrapper Snoop Dogg.  You try finding something new and hilarious to drink every week though, it’s not as easy as it looks.  I’ll be mounting a multi-store hunt for new material soon, but some Friday nights I just wanna get my Taco Bell home and watch some Dollhouse on Netflix.  So for now, I present to you Seagram’s Green Dragon flavor Gin & Juice.  I should have grouped this up with my article from two weeks ago and went for a whole dragon themed month.  Oh well, live and learn.

Let’s start this thing off with a little history lesson:

See, this stuff used to be awesome.  You’d mix it right in the bottle, and then just brown-bag it all day.  Upper middle shelf gin like Seagram’s was ideal, because it didn’t have the tendency to split your head open two hours later like cheap vodka.  The juice component would be either orange juice or, more likely, one of the four or five available flavors of drink.  Then you’d be playing some dominoes, then you’d just like smash the table (or flip it over) and roll out.

Not today though.  Seagram’s caught on eventually, but in a weird sort of way.  Initially I think they just had an orange flavor (now called Original Citrus).  Now there’s all kinds of crazy flavors.  Flavors that would make SoBe’s R&D department take their trucks and go home.  Green Dragon is a kiwi strawberry blend, with ginseng.  Can’t have a drink without ginseng these days.  They’ve got other flavors with names like Purple Rage, Tropical Thunder, and Lemonberry Blaze.  Watch that video up there again if you need to, but this time just picture Dr. Dre walking through the door with two big pink bottles of Seagram’s Ruby Red Grapefruit.

Just to clarify here, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with the way this stuff tastes.  It’s delicious!  Considering the 17.5% alcohol content, the fact that every flavor I’ve had tastes like melted down Fla*Vor*Ice is incredible.  I’m just saying that seventeen–hold on…there are some kids on my lawn…okay–years ago Seagram’s was handed a song that they could ride out forever, and they kinda blew it.  Lemonberry Blaze is something you drink while petting a cat, something to replenish all the precious electrolytes you lost at yoga class.  You brown-bag to hide your drink from the cops, not from everyone else in the car with you.

In closing, Seagram’s pre-made Gin & Juice line is best consumed behind closed doors.  If you’re gonna be going out and making a day of it, I recommend preparing your own.  It’s not bad, it’s just a classic case of botched demographics-like if Captain Morgan started making a prepackaged Rum & Tab blend.  You’d still drink it, but you’d be scowling when you did it.

Oh, one more thing before I go.  Watch this.  I didn’t have a place to fit it into the article naturally, but I couldn’t live with myself if you didn’t know this existed: