Secret Diaries of Dr. Victor Drankenstein Ch. 14: Insert melon-related hyperbole
Longtime readers might remember me referencing Melonball A:M ten chapters ago in my review of its Black Raspberry counterpart. That can of Melonball in no way survived to be reviewed. In fact, I’m pretty sure it was gone less than 24 hours later. As luck would have it though, I’m finally starting to see this stuff pop up around here, giving Melonball a second chance at the spotlight. This spotlight serves primarily to showcase the fact that this can is harder to photograph than Bigfoot.
As I discovered last time, this stuff is from the producers of A:M Vodka. In addition to Melonball and Black Raspberry I’ve also now seen White Citrus available for purchase. I’m going to have to go ahead and assume that these are the only three as their website seems to be completely non-functional at the time of this writing. The flavors are pretty unique for the 12%ABV carbonated drank market, so I’ll also assume that they coincide with available flavors of A:M vodka? But really who knows?
Thus far, at least two out of three flavors do not disappoint in the slightest. This is pretty much the most fiercely concentrated melon flavor I could conceive of. More so than even, say, just eating a gigantic pile of melon balls. It’s something you’d add to a melon to make it taste more like melons. When post-apocalypse scientists are trying to replicate watermelon in a world where all fruits are extinct, this is where they’ll turn. As an added bonus, post-apocalyptic future fruits will all get you super wrecked. In addition, kiwi and strawberry will be permanently merged into a single fruit.
The best way to describe drinking this stuff is, imagine the above scenario in which you are the hammer. Watermelon flavor being pushed into your face at terminal velocity, to the point that you are altered on a molecular level.
I am in all honesty going to have to cut this article a bit short, because it’s difficult to come up with more blatantly positive remarks concerning these drinks without being on the A:M payroll. There just aren’t a lot of places to go anyway once you’ve implied that any sort of $2 drank is anything like turning into the watermelon version of Sandman.
On a related note, I believe the time is coming for a brief Drankenstein hiatus. It’s not that I’m running out of drinks, exactly, but the available ones are becoming redundant. For example, if you’ve written 800 words about Lemonade flavor Joose, and 800 words about any Four Loko flavor, you are left with about two available words when it comes time to review Lemonade Four Loko. I need to expand the parameters of my hunt before I’ve completely strip-mined my own neighborhood of ideas. Wish me luck, Drankenstein fans!