Secret Diaries of Dr. Victor Drankenstein Ch. 15: Shaken-not mangled beyond recognition
Okay, I know that a while back I said that Seagram’s Gin & Juice was the classiest beverage you’d ever see me consume for journalistic purposes. I’m pretty sure we may have a new contender for that title this week though-tiny canned martinis served in a plastic pinup girl glass from Spencer’s Gifts. They had a thousand of these in the bumwine cooler at one of my favorite local Mini Marts, but when the guy rang it up at the register he looked at it like he’d never seen this thing before in his life. Let’s find out why!
These curious little monstrosities are produced The Club Distilling Co. (which brings up Majestic Distilling Co. when searched), and packaged by Pri-Pak Inc. The can claims that you can enjoy these excellent tasting cocktails in a variety of classic flavors, but I’m not sure how to go about verifying this statement. Neither company’s website even acknowledges this product, much less any others like it. As stated at the top of the can though, liquor’s in it! And that’s really all I need to know.
While I typically prefer my liquor in the form of rum or whiskey, there’s something to be said for the martini. Incredibly simple to make, refreshing, and timelessly classy-the martini is a great standby drink. I like mine in classic fashion: mostly gin (or vodka if gin is unavailable), as little vermouth as possible, and all kinds of olives. Olives are great, and any drink that can also contain snacks is all the better for doing so.
So I’m standing there at the cooler, looking at these tiny little 200ml cans (just under 7oz for the metrically challenged), thinking that they might be an ideal and affordable olive delivery system. Maybe not a bad way to get an emergency martini or two after all the liquor stores are closed up unreasonably early, as they tend to be. At 42 proof they’re right at the legal limit that can be carried in a store without a proper liquor license, and it’s hard for someone with a PhD in Drankology to argue with that kind of alcohol content for $1.99.
Unfortunately, but not entirely unexpectedly, a cheap and portable martini is just too good an idea to actually exist. These things weren’t even worth washing a glass for. Normally the beverages used for Drankenstein entries are large enough for a human to drown in, and I’m mostly done by this point in the article. Keep that in mind when I tell you that right now I am barely halfway through a 7oz can, and I’m not liking the way the second can is looking at me.
Many novice drinkers make the mistake of walking into a grocery store, going “wow, that’s a lot of liquor for $4!”, and walking out with a giant plastic bottle of headaches and regret. If you’ve ever been there, you know what I’m talking about right now. This stuff has the distinct flavor of grocery store gin…sort of an oily water that slowly burns your tongue with prolonged contact. It tastes like maybe they dipped an olive in there for authenticity, but not much of the flavor survived. This stuff is not a viable habitat for any sort of flavor whatsoever. It consumes flavors and secretes desperation in their place: this is what the morning before your first AA meeting will taste like.
If there is any sort of flavor that manages to prevail in this liquid hell, it’s metal. Like a variation on the the appletini, specially developed at a TGI Friday’s that caters only to the robot crowd. So if you are indeed a robot, I would like to inform you of this cheap and refreshing nutrient source I have discovered. If, however, you crave the things that humans crave in all but their most soul crushing moments, I would advise you to steer clear of this and probably any other of The Club’s “variety of classic flavors”.