Tips to Help Combat Piracy
So all this madness with businesses trying to put the lock down on my interwebs needs to stop. SOPA, PIPA, and across the pond they’ve got ACTA are all the beginning of what could be a very slippery slope into full on Orwellian dystopia. I get the spirit of it all, they want people to stop just stealing their stuff. That’s fine, I agree. If I wrote something worth selling and people just stole it and handed it around I’d be sad. Also I would continue to be super poor. Both things I’d like to avoid. So, I’d like to help. Hollywood, here are some suggestions I have for you to help you combat piracy and get people back in the theater watching movies.
1. Stop making shitty movies.
Sure this one seems like a no brainer, but really have you seen some of the crap they try to pass off on us? This is the easy one, the most broad reaching answer. Is a film bad? If so don’t make it. Premise terrible? Scrap it. Actors worse than the cast of Twilight? Shoot them, and burn the bodies (seriously fuck Twilight so hard). This is just plain simple, make better movies people actually want to see and you’ll see an increase in ticket sales.
2. Stop letting Michael Bay do anything.
This kind of goes under the last one but needs to have a section all to itself. This man has ruined so much of my childhood now I can stop blaming my parents for screwing me up and just blame him. There was a time when Joel Schumacher was history’s greatest villain for the abomination that was Batman & Robin, now that title belongs to Bay for his abortions of film, the Transformers. Now if you try to tell me he had some okay things he did in the past I’ll allow that. Those, however; are in the past. Leave them, and him, there. Save us all from his terrible “directorial vision”.
All of these kind of overlap a bit I guess but this one stands out again on it’s own. Remakes, reboots, adaptations, and sequels are all well and good but there is a lot to be said for a completely original idea. Granted there has been some success here, Let Me In was an incredible remake of Let the Right One In. But there have also been some terrible mistakes, remember the horrid mistake that was Tim Burton’s Planet of the Apes, yeah this is what I’m talking about. Just because something was incredible once doesn’t mean we need anyone to ever even try to make it again. Granted the occasional reboot makes things better (Star Trek) but really lets see more original content. I’m more inclined to see a brand new story than I am to see a remake (like the Blade Runner remake – 0 interest).
4. Take some risks!
Safe money is easy money. Granted I get it when a stupid makes a sequel to a movie that did well, you’re likely to at least do that well again. Most times you do even better because all those people who only heard about how good the first was will be more inclined to check out this one. This formula gets old though when its the same thing time and time again. Same actors (Ryan Reynolds and Bradley Cooper are possibly the only two working men in film these days), same directors (Go fuck yourself Michael Bay), and same properties (I swear if they don’t stop Madea, I will … permanently) all eventually water down the industry to the point no one cares anymore. Try some wild risks. Let some unknowns have some roles, get some new directors making movies. Sure if it sucks oh well, you can no release your safe money-making sequel, but hey if its a huge success think about all that sweet sweet profit you just made. Instead of getting the same tired people to make another Fast and Furious movie (Fast and Furious 9: Go Cart Bonanza) get the people who did that Portal short film a chance to make something. If it doesn’t pan out you can bill me.
5. Enough with the CG already.
I can’t stress this enough. Yes, I get it, you can make all sorts of amazing shit look like amazing shit. Congratulations. Now please let’s go back to making things look believable. Prime example – Star Wars. Remember how it looked in the original trilogy. Everything looked real, tangible. The prequels? Cartoon crap. You know its all fake, and it just ruins the enjoyment of it. Yoda as a puppet/actor/practical effect in Empire looked INFINITELY better than his stupid animated flipping super Jedi-ninja version in Clones. I’m also done buying all these close calls. Thanks to computers every stunt and every edge of your seat moment is always done by the skin of the character’s teeth. I’m tired of it, there’s no suspense. Go back to clever camera angles, distorted points of view, and make me really wonder if the hero dodged that collapsing building in time or not. There was a time you could watch a movie and feel like you’re nearly there. These days its all cartoons, fake, force-fed chunks of shiny distractions. Bring back the magic.
There you go, Hollywood. Free of charge, some friendly and helpful advice from me to you. Use it as you wish, just stop trying to take away my private freedoms. Also stop making terrible movies. Seriously.