Secret Diaries of Dr. Victor Drankenstein Ch. 17: I’ve Got a Bad Feeling About This
After spending two solid months only writing about things that don’t make my liver shriek audibly, I felt it was high time to dust off the old Drankenstein Diaries for another thrilling entry. As I’ve mentioned before, it’s getting harder to find new drinks, much less anything I can crank 600 words out of. So when I first saw a rack full of these bad boys about a month ago, I got pretty excited. It looked like we might have a new experiment on our hands. And week after week, when not one bottle moved from that rack, I knew for certain. This was a job for Dr. Drankenstein.
I haven’t even opened the bottle yet, I just want to say a few things first for the record. Once you get past the label art, which admittedly is pretty well drawn, nothing about this sounds like a good idea. Even for a seasoned professional like myself, I’m finding the Mad Dragon to be a bit intimidating. You may remember my last encounter with bumwine sold in a mouthwash bottle: the PrimeTime Banana Berry Incident, way back in September. I was pretty violently ill for sometime afterward, and that stuff was only 17%. This stuff is a nice solid weapons-grade 20%. On top of that, it claims to be orange wine mixed with tea, which doesn’t seem like something anybody would ever want to do. And it looks vaguely like puddle water. Well, here goes nothin’…
Okay. The lid is off, and this stuff smells like furniture polish. Actually that’s not right. Hmm…it’s something familiar though. Okay, I’ve got it. When I used to load trucks for a living, occasionally this stuff called Minwax would go sailing off a conveyor belt and break open in a truck. It’s the stuff you’d use to stain a hardwood floor or maybe a deck. This stuff smells like that, but from a distance- like if a can broke open three trucks down from yours. Except this isn’t wood finisher, at least according to the bottle. This is RAD SWEET TEA LEMONADE.
A few swigs down, and thankfully the flavor is several steps removed from “outdoor deck treatment”. It’s not great though. Of course there are no ingredients listed, outside of sulfites, but if I had to venture a guess at the complete list it would look like this:
- Canned Mandarin Orange Syrup
- Powdered Ice Tea Mix
- Neutral Spirits
- Garbage Water
Helpful Tip: If you can’t find Mad Dragon in your area, make it yourself at home by filtering Sunny D through a gym sock and fermenting it in a coffee can.
I have consumed some pretty questionable beverages since receiving my honorary doctorate from Hobo University, and RAD SWEET TEA LEMONADE is pretty close to the bottom of the list. Nothing about the name makes sense. It’s like they had everything but the name, then they turned the project over to the people that make bootleg Power Rangers toys for dollar stores. Who did make this stuff anyway? Oh, it’s Florida Caribbean Distillers.
Well now I don’t know what to think! I expected more out of the purveyors of such fine products as Ron Carlos rum and Sonovavitch vodka. They also make Lord Talbott’s gin, which might be my new favorite liquor name ever. One day you’ll find me in an underpass, sipping Lord Talbott’s with my pinky in the air, pausing occasionally to polish my monocle with a pair of scavenged underwear. None of the other bums will hang out with me because I’ll be too fancy.
That stuff right there is what I’m hunting down next though. Sancho Loco, you will be mine. Is it weird that I’m sitting here, halfway through a bottle of orange-flavored dishwater, and simultaneously perusing this website wondering which of their fine products I should purchase next? If it’s possible to be a hobo AND a hipster at the same time, I think I’m pulling it off. I get drunk ironically, on drinks you’ve never heard of.