Secret Diaries of Doctor Victor Drankenstein Ch. 19: Ballz Out

Have I really not written an article since April?  My hidden volcano DrankLab is all dusty, and my science coat smells like mothballs.  I assure you that this hiatus wasn’t due to lack of interest, I put down so much Thunderbird that Cleveland’s hobos have stopped asking for money and now just try to attack me and drink my blood.  They can smell it in my veins.  The reality of the situation is simply that the industry cannot keep up with me.  I drank everything out there in the name of science, then retreated to my lonely tower where I silently scanned the horizon line for innovations that were too few and far between.  So what finally brought the good Doctor back from unwilling retirement?  To paraphrase the immortal words of AC/DC, “Some balls are held for for charity and some for fancy dress, but when they’re filled with drinks they’re the balls that I like best”.

Yes my friends, today we’ll be reviewing a new line of drinks with the name that I’m unable to stop giggling like a twelve year old about, BuzzBallz!  Produced and bottled by the aptly named BuzzBallz, LLC out of Carrollton, Texas, these little beauties would seem to be the cure to my “I drank everything and then had to hang up my science coat” blues.  They’re tiny, affordable (I paid $3 each), and according to the website they’re available in an absolutely absurd variety of flavors.  I picked up Tequila ‘Rita because the color reminds me of Ghostbusters Ecto Cooler, and Cran Blaster because come on, Cran Blaster?  It’s hilarious.  Unfortunately a quick glance at the aforementioned website tells me that the selection at my local store was a joke compared to what could have been.  Red Hot Morning Shot, Strawberry Rum Job, Limey Bastard… and the list goes on!  Whomever names these things, if you’re reading, let’s be friends.  I promise it won’t get weird.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go get my Ballz out.

Alright ladies and gents, let’s get down to the business of examining these Ballz!  Weighing in at 200ML and a respectable 20% ABV, Cran Blaster is a mix of vodka, cranberry, and other natural flavors, along with elderberry extract.  Okay, that right there?  Quality.  I would need actual science degrees to even begin to explain the ingredients in most things I pour down my drink-hole for the benefit of the Internet, but I know what all these things are, and that’s awesome.  On top of that, their website states that all BuzzBallz are made with 100% actual juice and come in unbreakable, recyclable containers.  They’re safely freezable if you like your drinks all slushy, and floatable if you like to drink liquids while submerged in other liquids (yo dawg, Xzibit, etc!).  Most importantly, I am drinking it right now and also doing all the science on it, and the numbers are all coming back delicious.  It’s incredibly good actually, and drinking it out of this tiny ball makes me feel like a giant.  So…that’s another plus.  The cranberry flavor tastes like actual cranberries, like licking the walls in Willy Wonka’s house.

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

Okay, on to Tequila ‘Rita, a tequila/vodka mix with presumably margarita-flavored juices added.  I’m curious about this one, which aside from the alluring para-science color is the reason I picked it up.  Margarita flavored things are usually a pretty safe bet, but the addition of vodka is interesting.  Seems like just tequila would’ve been the way to go.  Only one way to find out though, and that’s through opening up drinks and reporting about them in real time!  Okay, drinking… It definitely tastes like there’s some margarita in there, but there’s a lot going on here.  The vodka definitely comes through and throws it off from being a pure margarita experience, but it’s not all bad.  If I had to guess at the logic here it’s that drinking diluted tequila is like licking a bus stop bench, and they added just enough for authenticity’s sake before bringing in the vodka to bump up the alcohol content.  See?  Science.  The end result is pretty decent though, and comes across better than most margarita-like substitutes.  It’s not as great as Cran Blaster, but that’s a pretty lofty throne to aspire to right now.

In the interest of reporting as robust an array of flavors as possible, my lovely assistant Mrs. Drankenstein also grabbed some Ballz earlier, the Stiff Lemonade variety to be precise.  I snuck a quick taste (of her Ballz), and it was great.  I passed on it in the store because lemonade seemed boring, but I regret that decision.  It’s like a drink made out of vodka and the stuff they coat Lemonheads with, a tiny refreshing capsule full of summertime.  All other alcoholic lemonades I’ve had must now hang their sour yellow heads in shame.

I can’t say for sure that your local store is going to have these, and I’ve only seen them just this once, but check out the website for availability in your area.  I fully endorse these Ballz with the full weight and authority of the name Doctor Drankenstein, the Internet’s most trustworthy adviser in these matters.  I’m looking at the website’s profile on Merrilee Kick, the creator of BuzzBallz, right now.  To paraphrase, she created BuzzBallz because mixed drinks were not convenient, portable, or strong enough, and that is a philosophy I can get behind.  If I could be anything at any moment, it’d be conveniently drunk, preferably while snickering uncontrollably at the words “Limey Bastard BuzzBallz” on the little plastic sphere clutched in my iron grip.

PS: Keep an eye out for updates on this article.  I like BuzzBallz enough to track down the two dozen or so available flavors, and I’ll come back to add extra information as I do.

About Ryan Searles

I like watching movies, and then talking about those movies. Sometimes I write things about them, which you should read. Other interests include boxed wine, video games, the works of Harlan Ellison and HG Wells, and being a general curmudgeon.

Posted on September 3, 2012, in Reviews, SCIENCE! and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. Great review, Vic. I’m sure BuzzBallz know they drank but remember, kids, we say drank responsibly because drank ain’t all fun and games.

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