I’ll admit, the life of a gentleman scientist/adventurer isn’t as easy or as glamorous as it might look from the outside. After months of testing everything from breakfast wine to canned martinis to the chemical-tinged trashwater that is Mad Dragon, there were simply no new horizons. Your old friend Drankenstein had reached that distant coast, and there retired in comfort atop a truckload of simple, predictable Vella boxwine. Both fans of this column sorely lamented its passing, but there was nothing to be done for it. I’d hunted the world of bumwines and questionable malt liquors to extinction. A few days ago however, something new came to my attention, something that immediately re-lit the old fires within. Clutching a fistful of dollar bills and with a reckless gleam in my eye, I scoured the bodegas of Cleveland (okay, I checked about three), but my quarry was nowhere to be found. Just when all hope seemed lost, a new challenger appeared. This isn’t what I was looking for–not even close–but it is a neon green bumwine with a dancing habanero pepper on the label. And that suits old Drankenstein just fine.
I’ll just be honest here, normally I wouldn’t bother dusting off my lab coat for a Joose review. Not that it’s necessarily bad or anything, it’s just that the flavors tend to get released in lockstep with their main competitor Four Loko, so there’s just no reason to bother. Except for Dragon Joose I guess, but I got that mostly because I’m a sucker for things about dragons-even drinks, apparently. And even that just ended up being grape. Nothing to write the Internet about. Now Sweet Peach Iced Tea and Mango, that’s super exciting right? How about if I drink both? Yeah, now we’re talking!
After spending two solid months only writing about things that don’t make my liver shriek audibly, I felt it was high time to dust off the old Drankenstein Diaries for another thrilling entry. As I’ve mentioned before, it’s getting harder to find new drinks, much less anything I can crank 600 words out of. So when I first saw a rack full of these bad boys about a month ago, I got pretty excited. It looked like we might have a new experiment on our hands. And week after week, when not one bottle moved from that rack, I knew for certain. This was a job for Dr. Drankenstein.
There may come a time in your life when you wake up and realize that regular hangovers just aren’t cutting it anymore. It is in that moment that you will seek out the knowledge of Drankenstein, eager to explore the strange new paths I have paved for you. Knowing this, I cannot in good conscience continue to cater solely to the evening drinkers among you. Should you find yourself with nothing to eat but waffles and Pop-Tarts, you might understandably be looking for something in a breakfast wine. Well look no further, Count Chocula fans. I’ve got you covered.
Welcome to another chapter in the Secret Diaries of Dr. Victor Drankenstein, beamed directly into your compubox from our top secret lab nestled in an undisclosed Cleveland underpass. We’ve had a crack team of Hobologists working around the clock these past few weeks in order to present you with the very best vintages the drifter lifestyle has to offer. The third entry in our award-winning Bumwine Chronicles likely needs no introduction, Wild Irish Rose is a bumwine of some esteem. You could consider it the Pepsi to Thunderbird‘s Coca-Cola. But did you know, gentle reader, that in addition to the standard white and red varieties, there is also “Wild Fruit with Ginseng”? No, no you didn’t! Who would know about something like this? Drankenstein, that’s who.
Greetings fellow bumwine enthusiasts, and welcome back for week two of Drankenstein’s Bumwine Chronicles! If you’ve been following along, you know last week was something of a mistake. A terrible, terrible mistake. That’s not gonna stop me though, not by a long shot. I promised four weeks, and four weeks is what you’re getting. This is really where I should have started though, with the basics. Classics are classics for a reason, am I right?
I’m keeping up the chapter headers for clarity’s sake, but officially you are looking at volume 1 of Dr. Drankenstein’s Bumwine Chronicles. I mentioned at the end of last week’s article that we’d be looking into some bumwines, and your buddy Drankenstein is a man of his word. Never one to under-perform, I will be consuming and reviewing four of them for your reading pleasure, over the course of the next four weeks. This first one has me oddly intimidated, so as you can see I’ve brought along my good friend Clubber Lang to help me maintain the proverbial Eye of the Tiger.