I’ll admit, the life of a gentleman scientist/adventurer isn’t as easy or as glamorous as it might look from the outside. After months of testing everything from breakfast wine to canned martinis to the chemical-tinged trashwater that is Mad Dragon, there were simply no new horizons. Your old friend Drankenstein had reached that distant coast, and there retired in comfort atop a truckload of simple, predictable Vella boxwine. Both fans of this column sorely lamented its passing, but there was nothing to be done for it. I’d hunted the world of bumwines and questionable malt liquors to extinction. A few days ago however, something new came to my attention, something that immediately re-lit the old fires within. Clutching a fistful of dollar bills and with a reckless gleam in my eye, I scoured the bodegas of Cleveland (okay, I checked about three), but my quarry was nowhere to be found. Just when all hope seemed lost, a new challenger appeared. This isn’t what I was looking for–not even close–but it is a neon green bumwine with a dancing habanero pepper on the label. And that suits old Drankenstein just fine.
There may come a time in your life when you wake up and realize that regular hangovers just aren’t cutting it anymore. It is in that moment that you will seek out the knowledge of Drankenstein, eager to explore the strange new paths I have paved for you. Knowing this, I cannot in good conscience continue to cater solely to the evening drinkers among you. Should you find yourself with nothing to eat but waffles and Pop-Tarts, you might understandably be looking for something in a breakfast wine. Well look no further, Count Chocula fans. I’ve got you covered.